Parenting an Anxious Child

When parenting an anxious child, it is important to remember the following behaviours. They are the behaviours that help children overcome their anxiety most often:

Attention. Attention is probably the most powerful way to influence your child’s behaviour. Paying attention to an anxious behaviour increases it, removing attention from an anxious behaviour reduces it.

Praise. Praise is another way of paying attention. Providing your child with praise is another way to reinforce appropriate (non-anxious) behaviours. Make your praise clear and specific e.g. “You tried really hard today, you caught the bus on your own and you didn’t cry or hold onto me before you got on the bus. I know that getting on the bus and saying goodbye to me makes you worried so I am really proud of you”.

Avoid giving excessive reassurance. Parents want to protect their children and so the most natural response to children’s worry is often to sympathise too much, letting emotion creep into your voice and providing the child with lots of attention when they are worried. This can feed the anxiety and at worst, increase it. Try to take the emotion out of your voice and respond in a matter-of-fact tone. “I understand that you are worried, but things are going to be fine”. Limit reassurance to one or two times. Remain kind but firm.

Consistency. It is important to be consistent in your praise of brave behaviours and in your paying less attention to anxious behaviours. If you do this, you will help to shape your child to behave less anxiously. It is important that both parents are consistent in their approach.

Modelling. Children learn how to behave by observing others. You may need to pay attention to your own behaviours and if possible, deal with your own anxieties using the same tools that your child is learning, to demonstrate to your child a better way of dealing with worries.

Self-Talk. Teach your child to say a statement inside their head to help them to stay calm and handle stress. Here are a few: “Calm down”, “Relax”, “Everything will be ok”, “I am ok, I will be fine”.

Breathing. Train your child in how to control their breathing. Practise slow, deep breaths with them. Ask them to think about what the air feels like going in and out. They may like to count in for three “one . . . two . . . three . . .” and then say the word “calm” as the breath comes out.

Much of this information is taken from the “Cool Kids Program – Parent’s Workbook” by Heidi Lyneham, Maree Abbott, Ann Wignall and Ronald Rapee (Macquarie University Anxiety Research Unit).